"Happy" Halloween

Since last year, we haven't had very much trick-o-treaters. Same with this year it seems. It's already 7:30pm and we had like two kinda large groups. The first group came and I hear the sweetest little high pitched voice. blah. My heart sank. Totally hit me of what could have been like with Jr. this year. Seriously. I never thought about that. This sucks. This holiday sucks.

My F'd up life (vent).

Tonight, I went out on a date with my boyfriend to PF Chang's and to a movie. I have been having soo many thoughts in my head, it's driving me crazy. This is supposed to be Halloween weekend. First off, I think about how before I was pregnant with Jr, I used to go out and party and have the time of my life right now. My co-worker is having a party and everyone is going and me, well I'm just sitting here on the couch. It's just not the same. Especially how this year I was supposed to have a baby. Oh my god, now that I'm really thinking about it, ...I wonder what I was going to dress him up as? sigh. I feel like bursting out crying right now, but if you saw me, you would think I'm normal as can be. Boy does this suck holding it in. I don't think anyone really knows how much I think of my son, and who I am now, and how much my life has really changed. That's all I can think about. It really eats me up inside. Sometimes, I just don't know what to do with myself. I really don't. I sometimes feel I should've got a therapist when I had the chance. So, I can't help to think of how F'd up my life really is. I got pregnant young, parents hated me for it at first, we coped, we were happy, then the next day, I found out something's terribly wrong with my baby. Then I lost him. He was supposed to be here in August. It's October now...he's not here. LITERALLY a piece of me was taken from me. I feel EMPTY. I'm missing my other half. No one gets it. The thing that really really makes me sad...is me and my mom's relationship now. I remember when everything happened in the beginning, she was there for me and I have no clue what I would do without her. She took three weeks off of work to stay with me. What mom would take THAT much time off work? She slept with me every single night, and wouldn't let me do anything alone. Very protective. I remember her always telling me that our relationship has forever changed. I believed it. After almost 7 months on November 2nd, I feel that there hasn't been a major difference because she too doesn't fully get it. She doesn't know how I truly feel. She doesn't check up on me how she used to. It's not like she forgot him, because I know she didn't. I just need someone to give me a hug sometimes, saying they have thought of Jr and me. I still don't feel 100% comfortable to go up to her and tell her things or how I feel, or when I'm having a un-stable day. Sigh, this is just so confusing to even write how life has changed for me in words. There's nothing. Holidays aren't the same. I'm only 20, and I've gone through such a devastating event. I have to live the rest of my life with this. Since no one can ever truly understand me (except my BLM), I feel so completely alone. And this is why my life is so F'd up. That is all for my vent.

After seeing this trailer being posted several times on FB and blogs, I finally clicked play and can't wait to see it. I'm already just impressed that they used familiar actors in this movie, and not some unknown character's for under budget movies. I hope it's as good as it looks and portrays a good message to show other's the life of Baby Loss Parents. We shall see.

OC Walk to Remember 2010

Like I've mentioned, I've always been looking forward to this walk to do in honor of my son. It's always rewarding to honor your angel in any way you can, and doing this walk made me feel proud that I got to share with supporters, and other's who have gone through the same thing. Being together with 1600 + people, made it so comforting. I will continue to do this walk as a tradition every year to keep Jr.'s spirit alive.

On Saturday morning on October 23rd, my family and Daniel woke up at 5am in the morning! We weren't sure what to expect since this was our first year doing this. Registration started at 7am and we wanted to beat any crowds. The people who joined us in the walk were my mom, step dad, brothers, my three best friends, my mom's best friend and her neice. Some people couldn't make it. I did send a prior email at the beginning of October to remind everyone who I invited to take the day off work, and that I'd really appreciate the support. Sadly, I only got a few responses. I am grateful for the support I did get and will always remember who's always there. Anyway, we got there and surprisingly, we were there pretty early. The weather was not great at all. It was gloomy, cold, and sprinkling. I had to use an umbrella because it's been sprinkling pretty hard. We registered pretty quickly, got our "goody" bag that I didn't use because it was just coupons to eat at the places by the walk lol, and I got my T-Shirt and a sign to pin on my shirt. We had a chance to decorate it, but it was not working out. The paper sign was a weird material and it when it got wet, you can't use any markers. I was bummed out. It's okay though. Something that we also didn't get to do that they did last year was the huge wall signing to our babies. The ceremony started at around 8:15am and it was extremely emotional although I did have a disrespectful mother and her three little ones be loud and rude the whole ceremony. BESIDES the fact, it was a good ceremony. They had a slideshow of pictures we turned in of our babies. Then they read the babies' names one by one, and we went up to receive a white rose.

Then, it was time for the walk. On the way to the starting line, I noticed Tiffany, another BLM friend that also blogs. I got to take some pics with her and meet her kids. I was truly happy to see her. She's the first BLM I have met in person. Then during the beginning I saw her during the walk too.

After walking the 5k, my family and friends all went out to eat at Red Robin. I felt really good afterwards and hoped that my angel was proud of his parents :) Until next year... Here are some more pictures to share.

Blog Makeover!!

Soooooo extremely happy and SUPER impressed with my new blog makeover! My dear fellow BLM has done it again. Thank you so so much Kalia! You are truly creative and you continue to get better and better. I wanted to keep the theme from how it was before, just switch it up a bit, and add some things here and there, and she made it look beautiful. Thank you once again Kalia. You're amazing!

P.S. I got a button!! So that means I gotta be better at writing posts more frequently! ;)

Day 12

Day 12 - something you are OCD about.

I am very "OCD" when it comes to locks. I know, it sounds weird. It all started with my obsession with the channel on my DirectTV called ID, or Investigation Discovery. I always watch those mystery, murder stories or missing person stories. I've always been soo interested into these shows, although it's not what I want to get involved with as far as my major in school goes. After seeing so many shows on burglary, murder, etc., I have this thing where I NEED to go to check the locks before bed or when I'm taking a nap, going to take a shower. My family tends to leave the back door open for my dog to run in and out from the back yard. It's gotten kinda annoying to the point where I will NOT be able to sleep if I don't go and check that the front and back doors are locked. Sometimes I even feel off edge if some big windows are open. Even my car lock, and the fact that I don't have automatic locks. My mom tells me it's a good thing. I guess it can be, but then again, I don't know why I do this to myself! I can't stop watching those shows! help! lol.

Day 11

Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

So, this obviously isn't the most 'happiest' picture, but it was the MOST recent picture of me on my lap top. Like, a few weeks ago my boyfriend took a picture of me at In N Out. This picture of me, just really makes me feel sad. It reminds me of that phase I get sometimes throughout the day when I'm thinking of my little angel, sigh :/

Days 9 & 10

Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.

So, this day was Mother's Day. The first time back since I had to bury him. Basically one month later. As you can see, in the picture, I was SURPRISINGLY doing alright. I felt a sense of peace. Even to this day, I take pictures at the cemetery, recording my visits.

Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

Ten years ago, I was ten years old! lol. I don't have a picture of me on my computer, but I will update this later when I get one.

And the days go on...

Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.

1. music

2. photography

3. shopping

4. massages

5. being in my

boyfriend's arms

6. hot showers

7. food

8. venting

9. naps

10.long drives

11.visiting my baby at the cemetery

12.beaches

13.sunsets

14.helping others

15.family gathe

rings

16.vacations

17.organizing

18.hugs

19.candles

20.cleaning

Day 7 - a photo that makes

you happy.

A picture of me when I was about 18-ish weeks pregnant with Jr. Those were the happiest times of my life. Although I do miss these days, it truly makes me happy that I got to carry my baby boy and what miracle I created.

Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.

The day I had to bury my son, was the most sad/depressing day of my life. April 9, 2010.

October, Pregnany, Miscarriage and Infant loss awareness

I thought this questionnaire would be something nice to do for this special month of Pregnancy and Infant Loss. Answering 30 questions total, once a day for a month.

Since I didn't find out about this til pretty much Day 5 (October 5th), I will fill those in. Then continue on with once a day.

Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
A song that seems to always remind me of my baby is Glory Baby, a song that I have on here on my blog on my playlist at the bottom. I think I found it through another BLM blog, and fell in love with it. It totally described how I feel about everything having to do with Jr.


Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or o

ne that jumps out at you after your loss.
I can't think of a movie that has "helped" me through hard times, but only make me look at life and motherhood differently. I can't think of the top of my head at the moment, but I know that I look at life in different ways, ever since I lost Jr.


Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.
All I can think of right now, is watching Oprah very often. Very inspirational.

Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?
Haven't been much of a reader. Geez, these first couple of questions are really making me seem very boring! I used to always just read pregnancy books and name books for Jr., but nothing anymore.

Day 5 - your favorite quote.

OC Walk to Remember 2010

After walking out of the hospital on April 3rd, I immediately was in the search of anything to do with honoring my son. I remember browsing through the website October15th.com, I was on the lookout for a type of 5k walk of some sort in my area. That's when I came across The OC Walk to Remember. I remember finding this around April or so and though that October was sooo far away. To my surprise, time just have flown by!! It's been 5 months since my baby gained his wings and flew to the arms of Jesus. So here I am, beginning to register for the 5k walk in honor of all miscarriages, pregnancy and infant losses in California. It's obviously bitter-sweet but of course I'm happy to be doing this in HONOR of my precious little boy. I want to be able to share his story, and presence to everyone.

Not too long ago from writing this, me and my mom wanted to watch the video from 2009, and I just broke down, while noticing my mom was shedding some tears while holding me pretty tight. It seems like such an amazing opportunity to honor all babies, although I know for a fact there's going to be soo many tears flowing, dear lord!! You know, if you haven't read my older blog posts, you would know that my grieving hasn't been "normal". I seem to be holding in my emotions and try to "hide" away from feeling that "extreme" hurt and "sick" feeling after delivering my son. The other morning, I woke up pretty emotional and just started crying. I kept thinking how fucked up my life is. Losing a child?! It's the worst thing to me. All these questions arise once again!! Anger. All of it. I had my birthday on September 5th. I couldn't help to think... "I'm supposed to be spending this birthday with my newborn!!! That's how I wanted it. Just me and my little family. This just isn't fair!!!! I can't believe this SERIOUSLY TRULY happened to ME! sigh... Times have been tough lately.

Sorry, back to what this post is about... The OC Walk To Remember is going to be held on Saturday, October 23rd early in the morning. They also have a ceremony that's going to be at 8:15am. They are going to have a little video with a picture that we submit and they are also going to read off every single angel babies' name. It's truly going to be special. There is a fee of $25 to register. I'm still creating a "Team Name"...having a little hard time thinking of the right name. I was kind of thinking of something short and simple ...such as "Jr.'s Love" or I don't know. Any suggestions are appreciated :) Plus, I would like to make some good donations. I can't see what the next step is to registering until I think of a Team Name. Hmmm. I will keep everyone updated on here! I'm really looking forward to this. Loving and missing my sweet boy sooo much tonight.

Dear Daniel Jr.,

Geez, Where do I begin? I'm so sorry for not keeping up to date with this blog. It's not like I have been SO busy. Just blogging always seems to be the thing I tend to lag about! Oops! That still doesn't mean your not on my mind. You are on my mind 24/7. I'm NOT kidding about that. Especially lately. Your due date has passed... lord knows what life could've been like with you hear. You would have been three weeks IF you were born on your due date. wow. I never realized that until now..................... :( It was mama's birthday on Sunday, September 5th. I remember finding out your due date (August 16th) and thinking that you were going to be born just in time for my 20th birthday. I knew it was going to be extra special and I'd always wonder how it was going to be like. A night in with my little family? It would've been the best birthday's I've ever had, guarantee! I still can't help to look at my new and improved room and just think where your crib would have been. Ugh, my heart just hurts thinking about things like that. How different my life would have been... I miss you so much baby. Oh and back to your "due" date, I was quite happy with the response from CLOSE friends that remembered you. That made things a little easier for me . Also, to the people who truly lit a candle for you. It made me realize who was REALLY there for me ! I've learned that grieving over loss is also about finding out your true friends that will be there for you through thick and thin. Stay close by me baby, I really need you now-a-days. It's been tough.

Lots of hugs and kisses,

mama

Getting closer...

Well, I'm having a "moment" right now. Well, actually...it's more than just a moment, I'm just really thinking over everything. My "due date" is right around the corner; August 16th. Ever since August came around, things just started really getting shakey. I've been having flashbacks of every little detail I can remember, sleepless nights or just insomnia, or those times when I stop and think "what it would be like right this moment". I was supposed to be 39 weeks! Holy shit. This was my first pregnancy and that's just bizarre to me. So yeah, as the days get closer, I'm starting to get even crazier. My mind is constantly thinking about Jr. and I don't know what to do but to just face it. I feel like no one ever understands me except other BLM. It just sucks because I pretty much keep everything to myself for the most part. I don't talk about my feelings unless people ask. I just feel like, what's the point? They won't get it, or they won't have the right words and that will just piss me off even more. I don't know. This is another milestone for me...approaching my "due date". I was planning on getting a tattoo, but I'm not positive. It would be extra special. I do know that for sure I'm going to donate a boy and girl memory box (to L&D at my hospital where I delivered) to the next family experiencing a loss of a child. I'm already feeling pretty good about that. Also, I'm going to visit him of course. Ugh, this isn't fair! I'm just pissed, depressed, bi-polar etc. I'm messed up in the head. So tonight I've also been in that phase where I feel like I need to make some minor changes in my life, just to try and make me happy. I'm trying to become more organized and I want to focus on myself a bit more. Ugh, I'm so over the place today. I just had to let this out.

4 months ago...

I've lost my beautiful, the most precious thing to me, my son. Even though he isn't here with me. He's my everything, my world, my first born. I think about him 24/7, literally. I haven't got the chance to see him to see him today at the cemetery. So busy today with my brother's birthday and everything. Today I actually started working on my memory boxes that I will be donating to my hospital on my due date (which is coming up) on Augsut 16th. I feel really good about this. I'm making one for a boy and a girl. So far, me and my mom went to Joann's to get fleece material for the blankets I will be putting into the boxes. I still need to look for the box, I'll check Michaels...and then a teddy bear and disposable camera. Hmmm, what else. I can't wait til there finished! Then I will post a picture asap on here. This is all in honor of my baby boy. I love him so much!

A BIG Thank you!

I want to give a HUGE thank you to Kalialani for editing and creating my blog design!!! You did such an amazing job and I appreciate it so so much! You have no idea. And thank you for being there for me and being a BLM BFF!

M.I.A.; Update.

So lately I have been really bad about updating this blog. I feel bad, but I'm not the best at "writing" daily. I'm going to try though. I do enjoy it when I have the time. Relieves some stress. Let's see. Well, not too long ago, a friend from high school added me on Facebook. We had eachother for a class and she was just a very fun and nice girl. So after a week or two of me and her being friends via Facebook, she comments me. I couldn't believe my eyes. She wrote to me "Hey, How are you etc.?" Then she wrote "Oh I see you had a baby, congrats" Is she fucking serious? Like...for reals?? No fucking way. I never wrote back and deleted the comment asap. I'm so glad I caught it right away so people couldn't see it. It was posted on my wall. I felt so embarassed in a way and just full of hate. I don't understand and get some people, I really don't. Ever since I worked at Guest Services at Target, I really learned how dumb and ignorant people can be. But this?! Come on. I'm still speechless. I don't have the right words to describe her actions. Did she seriously not see the other pictures of my babies' grave site and me saying how much I miss my ANGEL baby. Whatever. I haven't run into any ignorant people for a while now, until her. Um, so that was that.

After talking constantly to my mom about getting a Best Buy card by her co-signing for me, she accepted and then we were told we would be verified in the mail. That's most likely a NO. I was super excited. I actually wanted to cry, because I was so sure I was going to be getting my new camera and putting something good towards it. I wanted to do something nice and special for other fellow Baby Lost Mama's. Wasn't quite sure what, but I knew I was so ready. So, I'm not sure what's going to happen now. Sigh. I'm kind of thinking of getting one from Target since they sell them there too! Plus I can use my discount. We'll see though.

I don't know what's gotten into me lately but I just totally failed my Weight Watcher's. I think I just got so discouraged because I wasn't losing the weight fast enough. I was being too lazy to go to the gym. It's summer and I want to enjoy the foods I like :] LOL. But I really do need to snap out of it and get back on track. I need to make some time. I'm so self conscious and yet I do this. Oh, and I tried to make a seperate blog for things other then my baby boy Jr. Like when I go off topic just like right now. I'm still trying to learn how to work that because on the ABOUT ME, I don't want it to say the EXACT same thing as it does on this one. I don't want to mess it up. But To say so the least, I can honestly say...I've been doing alright lately. I've been TRYING to keep busy by decorating my room, more work, and studying for my summer online course for college. When I work, I've noticed lately that people just don't act the same towards me like they used to when I was pregnant or even before that. They don't come to talk to me like before. Some kind of just show no interest in me anymore. It's so weird. I'm okay though. I'm not going to be sad about that. Fuck them, I say. I've been spending more time with closer friends. That's all that matters. And family of course.

Father's Day. It went pretty well. I had work til about 7pm. Then I made Daniel dinner at my house. I made him spaghetti and meatballs. At the table we set up Jr.'s memorial and lit his candle in honor of him. I ordered Daniel a dogtag from MyForeverChild.com and it didn't come in time (I thought it was). Instead I got it like a week and a half later. Daniel LOVED it. He thought it was going to be bigger and it was like medium sized (which he preferred). He didn't want it to look too "gangster" looking lol. I felt complete that me and Jr.'s dad had the same rememborance for him.

One last thing I want to mention is Jr.'s 3 months was on July 2nd, 2010. I also would have been 34 weeks. It was hard. I can't believe I would have been 34 weeks, now going on 35 weeks. Too crazy. I miss being pregnant with Jr. I didn't get the chance of feeling major kicks (only soft little pokes) or not being able to sleep at night because of his movement. I didn't get to see him in 4D like we planned. I didn't get to shop for him. I didn't get to have the chance to find out the sex without any surprises and devastating news. I didn't get to have a babyshower. I was supposed to already have it by now. Damn. It just hit me. I was sooo excited. You have no idea. To have my baby shower :( Wow. So on his 3 months, me and Daniel went to go visit him and put some pretty fourth of July flowers for him. I'm glad we are making this a tradition for every month.

Feeling lonely lately

Tonight I was supposed to be "having fun" with friends for my co-workers' 21st birthday. I was getting ready, and taking my time. I started noticing that people weren't even texting me to make sure I was going or anything. I just started feeling...left out in a way. I felt as if it wouldn't make a difference if I didn't go or not. I still haven't heard from them, it's been a few hours that passed. All this just makes me really sad inside. I feel like I haven't heard from my "best friends" lately. No one gets me. There just waiting for me to contact them, I'm sure. All I want is someone to reach out to me. Come over, and visit me. Talk to me about what I've been going through. Don't get scared if I cry to you.

Also, me and Daniel (my boyfriend) haven't been spending much time together lately. I work at Target and he signed up for the remodeling team because our Target is putting a produce section in it and moving departments around (it's two stories). His shifts are 10pm-630am, Sundays-Thursdays. Then he goes home, and sleeps for the whole day. Then I work when he's sleeping. When he doesn't work on the weekends, I'm working long shifts. Times like these, I just feel so depressed and lonely. My heart literally hurts right now and I cry my eyes out while I type this. I don't know what to do anymore. I wish people would know how to act!!! UGH! I have so many frustrations, sorry if one thought quickly turns into something else. So since me and Daniel haven't been spending much time together, I feel that our relationship hasn't been the same. We used to always make time together and have our date nights on Friday and go to a movie a dinner (PF Chang's). We are such a chill couple and a dinner and movie is all we need. So I told him that this Friday, it's time to start them again. I'm actually excited for it, we reallllly need this. Hopefully our relationship can get back together soon.

I also found out about two days ago that a guy from my highschool passed away on June 13th from cancer. I knew him since third grade. I actually never talked to him in high school. We never had any classes together. I was looking through his Facebook earlier, and it tears me up even more inside. I haven't really got to know him as a man that he was, but I'm deeply heartbroken inside. I went through old pictures from elementary, and he was such a bright kid. Not very popular either. This whole death thing...makes me look at life so differently. So much has changed. R.I.P. Taylor Biardi.

Dear Daniel Figueroa Jr.,

My dear baby boy. Please help mommy through times like these. I need to know your close to me. I still haven't seen you in my dreams yet, I would love to see your precious face soon. It's been a little over two months. Oh god, I can just breakdown right now and scream. I'm soo so sorry that you have to see me like this. I can't always be strong, it's too soon. I shouldn't have to be writing you letters like this.

Please watch over your daddy too. He still hasn't really opened up entirely to me. I worry about him sometimes. We love you so so much. A love for a child is so deep, I never knew what people were talking about when they said that you never knew you could love someone so much, until you give birth to your child. So true. Even though we never got to stare at eachother, or I never got to hear you cry... I love you unconditionally. I love you more than words can say. Your apart of me. Ugh, I really wonder what you would have looked like...more like mommy or daddy? It seemed that you already have dad's nose. I know it's going to be awhile til I see you face to face, but I can't wait til our time comes.

I don't know if you noticed, but we're re-doing my whole entire room right now. It makes me so happy, because I love to organize and decorate! But then again, it makes me so sad because we had plans to re-do my room for the needs of you. We were going to make that hole in the wall your closet and the color I chose for my walls were supposed to be a perfect match for your crib and jungle theme! Oh how I was soo excited to decorate that for you. Now things are being done a little differently. Don't worry. You're still going to have your spot in my room. I'm going to get a table to put your candle, and other little things on it, allll for you. Oh, and a few pictures on the wall that I got done through other BLM bloggers. You'll see!

I'm glad I got to write to you. I feel a tiny bit better. Sometimes mommy needs to cry and let out my feelings. I love you baby, and there's not a day that goes by where I don't think of you.

With lots and lots of love, Mom.

Not a good day

I was actually going to talk about something else that has been on my mind for a long time, but I'm going to save that for another post. Today was actually not my day what so ever. I picked up a shift from a co-worker because I need more hours to pay off some bills. Since Spring semester is over, I could have expanded my weekly hours, but decided not to. I wanted to take it easy this summer.

Anyway, it was only FOUR hours today, so I was like...'okay cool, this will go by wayy quickly, no worries.' Everything was going pretty good, til about 20 minutes in, I noticed a friend from my work who just had her baby in May, came to show off her baby. Everyone was surrounding her and the baby and they were holding him and rocking him. I must admit, I've been extremely strong while I'm at work because there's not a day where I don't see a pregnant woman or a newborn baby. This time was different. She was part of our "pregnant group". What I mean is, there were three other girls who were pregnant with me. One in May, one in June, and one in August like me. I was dreading that I would be here for that. All these emotions starting running through my head and I wished it was going to go away. Right when she left and the crowd was gone, I went to a co-worker (Sandy) who is like another mom to me. I just went in the back of Guest Service and she came and held me. I felt like I couldn't breathe for a sec and this is the second "breakdown" I had at work. I always say "sorry" when I cry... I feel almost...embarassed. Like, I already know they don't know how to ask. Not ONE person knows what to say or act to that, except for BLM's. Sigh. So after that, I went to the back offices and went to cry to one of my many bosses. She's young and VERY outgoing and all she kept saying was 'I'm sorry' for like 20 min. She went and got me water? and tissue from the bathroom. I just felt awkward. I really wanted her to tell me to go home, but she didn't say anything like that. She just said I can take as long as I want to re-collect myself. Then I notice people try to make me laugh too? I dk. I just really can tell they DO NOT know how to act and it sucks. So I left, and went to the lockers and tried to fix myself up. Then one of my good friends Anna came and tried to talk to me. Then I just cried all over again. I love her to death, and I'm not going to be mad about this but the only thing she could say was "aw, don't cry". ! Ugh, I dont know. Then I went to a room by myself and took some deep breaths. I went back to work. I told myself, 'If I felt like crying one more time, I'm going to just walk out'. I made it though. Oh, I forgot to mention. Before I went to work, I was waiting to clock in and I overheard the June mama talking to other co-workers. They all were asking her questions and 'are you excited', 'do you have everything ready?' I was just angry inside. I couldn't believe I had NO baby inside me. I was supposed to be in the conversation and be so happy! Well, it also doesn't end there.

I come home, and go on Facebook to see all these posts from my friend Richard about his sisters' baby being born today. Pictures and everything. It just topped off my night, right? :( I'm just totally down and lost tonight. Hopefully tomorrow is a "better" day.

On a positive note

We will make it through the rain... one day at a time.

Quick Note: Looking for a hobby.

I've been really really looking into buying a new camera. I usually just get the plain "digital cameras" that have done me some good. Every since I've seen here on the blogs of other BLM having projects, I want to participate in some way...just not so sure what yet. Some photogrpahy of something. First things first, I want to buy a new GOOD QUALITY camera. I'm no photographer so I have no idea what to look for etc. I just know I like taking pictures and documenting things, oh! and I want the pictures to look crystal clear. lol, as you can see, no professional here! If anyone knows any information or tips, please let me know, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks!

Every Mother's Prayer

It's 1:19am and I'm laying here on the couch and I'm experiencing a breakdown for my babyboy. I'm not the best writer, because I tend to write what's on my mind...which doesn't always make sense. So I haven't kept up with this blogging. I try my best when I really need to let out my thoughts and emotions. I was looking at people's blogs not too long ago, and the music and stories and projects people do for other BLM is so... heart filling. I can't even explain it. I just broke down crying, alone. Listening to the lyrics of the songs. I'm just a complete mess right now. I also see all the things they (BLM) have collected for there baby or what they're doing in honor for them, and me? I still haven't done enough. I'm STILL here, trying to get used to my new self. I'm beginning to see how I've matured even more. I used to talk to everyone at family gatherings, and now I catch myself being more quiet, or keep to myself. I even started to notice how people have started to forget. I'm not trying to get people to feel "sorry" for me... but would like someone to have a conversation of my baby boy or something to keep my head up. After all the posts I've written on my Facebook, I feel that I've started only getting responses from my dear BLM's. Not anymore from some family and friends. I had a feeling this was going to happen sooner or later, which I'm sure it's happened to a lot of other BLM's. I'm just barley recognizing this. I do NOT like this at all. During this "breakdown" I've even wrote a few posts about how I feel. Not sure why. Sometimes, when I'm grieving, I can really just express everything that's on my mind, sometimes not even knowing whatI had just said. Anyway, first post... saying how I miss Jr. I only get responses from BLM. Then a few minutes later, saying how I hope my grandpa is taking care of him for me. I'm starting to get "likes" from friends. Do they really even care? Do they not know what to say? I even texted my one of my BFF about all this, since I was already texting her in my "normal" state of mind. I completely changed my tone and mood and started telling her things on my mind. weird. but she even confessed that she doesn't know what to say to me. She doesn't want to open any wounds. I do understand though, I mean... I try to think and out myself in her shoes. I don't think I would know what to "say" to a BLM. Especially since I'm one of the first BLM they know personally. I'm now the "friend who lost her baby". Anyway, that's why I think it's super important to educate people on how to act. Straight up. Like what Mallory (BLM) posted on her FB about 20 things angel mama's wish you would remember. I had to post it to my wall too. People need to know. Ugh, that's why I'm so greatful to have met the BLM I have met now. I know I haven't met a whole lot and stayed involved in the group as much lately. It's just depressing for me at times. Breaks my heart. I don't know what I would have done without you guys. I love each and every one of you and the precious angels. Thanks for reading this, if you got this far. I haven't re-read things, I usually don't so hopefully this makes some kind of sense.

Cemetery Visit; 2 months.

I'm so so glad I got to visit my baby today. It made me feel a little relieved and better inside. Especially since I've been feeling like I haven't been there like I should be. I pulled in to the cemetery and I just had this feeling in my heart, like I was excited. I looked around when I got out of my car, and I was the only one visiting there loved one. Not a single person sitting by a grave stone, only construction workers. I felt as if that moment, it was me and my babies time ONLY. There was just such a connection. Oh yeah, and I went alone today, without Daniel. He really thought I needed time alone with him, and he was right. I did. The weather was perfect today. The sun was shining, the sky was blue. I'm so proud of myself. I actually remembered to bring scissors to cut the flower stems. I bought these flowers from Albertson's. I always count on them for my flowers :] lol. Anyway, at the gravesite, I noticed baby Jr. is the only "new" baby around there. All the other babies were from the 90's and 80's. It's so surreal to me still. I hope I can still manage to make a visit to Jr. when time does pass.

So as I was sitting there, I looked around and noticed that Jr.'s "spot" was waaay greener and fuller and the grass was longer than everyone else! It was like on it's own, and standing out than all the rest. This may sound weird, but it seemed like some sort of sign... or at least I like to believe so. I guess the grass is really greener on the "other side" :] I posted some picture up above so you can get an idea what I'm talking about (the one's that are centered). The first one you can see how full and thick and green the grass is. The second one is a picture of the gravestones next to Jr.'s. On the bottom right hand corner you can see Jr.'s spot. I hope you can tell. This was really a good start for me again.

Two months has passed...

So I'm sitting here laying on the couch... crying my eyes out. Purposely listening to sad songs like 'Precious Child' and 'A mother's Prayer'. I keep putting them on repeat. I can't help myself but I've been holding these tears in for awhile now. Today has been two months since I've lost my sweet babyboy. I'm shocked to say the least that it's been two month already. It has been quite a journey, a journey that still continues for me. I remember it like it was yesterday... if only I could go back to hold my baby for a longer time. I feel that five hours was NOT enough. I was even talking to Kalia today, that I regret not taking a million pictures. I wish I had a family picture with Jr. and his dad. I wish I took a picture of his precious feet. I don't get it because I'm usually the "photographer" at family/friend events, taking pictures of everyone and everything. I think it was because I was too occupied and staring at him. I was actually looking at a picture I have of him in the memory box from the hospital. He was soo cute and perfect. Perfect shaped ears, nose like his dad, cute little lips, perfectly shaped hands with fingernails. It's so surreal to me, being that this was my first pregnancy, how me and my boyfriend created a human being. I remember the first ultrasound of him. He was a little gummy bear, jumping around like a jumping bean. How could it go from that, to him being completely gone, with only memories.

Lately, I've been completely lost. I feel like a complete failure recently. I'm over here going out like nothing. Drinking to hide my emotions when I'm out in public. I don't know how to react to me "new" self. I'm trying to accept that I'm now a changed person. I'm still a mother. All this drinking doesn't help me at all, only for a little while. Don't get me wrong, I'm not alcoholic, I'm just doing it when I'm out having a "good" time at friend's birthdays. I feel like I haven't honored him like I should be. I feel so so bad even writing this. I don't know what's wrong with me. I haven't forgotten him!!! I just haven't honored him as much. We have a memorial in my living room for him. We used to light the candle every night, now we've been "busy" and forget sometimes. We used to always put fresh flowers there, and lately money is just so tight. I barley started going back to work a week ago. I've been feeling so down lately. I just realized everything when I was at my friend's house and I spent the night the night before, and I was going to a second night in the row. I left at about 1am. I just couldnt. I didn't feel right. Why am I running away from my emotions? I also feel like people have been acting like they forgot and that I forgot. They invite me to parties all the time, and go out to all these places etc. I'm feeling so guilty. After that, I felt like I need to make some major changes. Starting today, I'm going to. For me and my angel baby. Mommy did NOT forget and never will. I even need to start being more productive in my life. I've been so lazy and feel so lazy and being a bum at my house. We are re-doing my room, so I'm going to be busy decorating and packing my stuff since they're going to be re-doing the walls, carpet etc. I'm actually excited/sad about it. This was supposed to happen because we were going to make room for baby. Now, my parents still want to do it for me. Anyway, so tomorrow, I'm going to wake up early today, get ready and go to the cemetery and bring him some pretty flowers. Light his candle, and continue to keep up with this blog. I think this would really help me. Sorry for being so random.

Dear Jr,

It's been two months since I've lost you in April. It's been a huge struggle for me to deal that you are gone. I've been all over the place. Please forgive me that I've not been the same. Everything's going to change again. It's time to straighten things up, I hope. I'm doing this for you. I can't wait to see you tomorrow afternoon. I'm going to bring you some beautiful flowers. I hope you like them. Please stay by my side today baby. I really need your guidance. I hope that your great grandpa is watching over you til It's my turn. I know he is. I love you honey so so much. Words can't even explain.

Love, mommy