Not too long ago from writing this, me and my mom wanted to watch the video from 2009, and I just broke down, while noticing my mom was shedding some tears while holding me pretty tight. It seems like such an amazing opportunity to honor all babies, although I know for a fact there's going to be soo many tears flowing, dear lord!! You know, if you haven't read my older blog posts, you would know that my grieving hasn't been "normal". I seem to be holding in my emotions and try to "hide" away from feeling that "extreme" hurt and "sick" feeling after delivering my son. The other morning, I woke up pretty emotional and just started crying. I kept thinking how fucked up my life is. Losing a child?! It's the worst thing to me. All these questions arise once again!! Anger. All of it. I had my birthday on September 5th. I couldn't help to think... "I'm supposed to be spending this birthday with my newborn!!! That's how I wanted it. Just me and my little family. This just isn't fair!!!! I can't believe this SERIOUSLY TRULY happened to ME! sigh... Times have been tough lately.
Sorry, back to what this post is about... The OC Walk To Remember is going to be held on Saturday, October 23rd early in the morning. They also have a ceremony that's going to be at 8:15am. They are going to have a little video with a picture that we submit and they are also going to read off every single angel babies' name. It's truly going to be special. There is a fee of $25 to register. I'm still creating a "Team Name"...having a little hard time thinking of the right name. I was kind of thinking of something short and simple ...such as "Jr.'s Love" or I don't know. Any suggestions are appreciated :) Plus, I would like to make some good donations. I can't see what the next step is to registering until I think of a Team Name. Hmmm. I will keep everyone updated on here! I'm really looking forward to this. Loving and missing my sweet boy sooo much tonight.
Dear Daniel Jr.,
Geez, Where do I begin? I'm so sorry for not keeping up to date with this blog. It's not like I have been SO busy. Just blogging always seems to be the thing I tend to lag about! Oops! That still doesn't mean your not on my mind. You are on my mind 24/7. I'm NOT kidding about that. Especially lately. Your due date has passed... lord knows what life could've been like with you hear. You would have been three weeks IF you were born on your due date. wow. I never realized that until now..................... :( It was mama's birthday on Sunday, September 5th. I remember finding out your due date (August 16th) and thinking that you were going to be born just in time for my 20th birthday. I knew it was going to be extra special and I'd always wonder how it was going to be like. A night in with my little family? It would've been the best birthday's I've ever had, guarantee! I still can't help to look at my new and improved room and just think where your crib would have been. Ugh, my heart just hurts thinking about things like that. How different my life would have been... I miss you so much baby. Oh and back to your "due" date, I was quite happy with the response from CLOSE friends that remembered you. That made things a little easier for me . Also, to the people who truly lit a candle for you. It made me realize who was REALLY there for me ! I've learned that grieving over loss is also about finding out your true friends that will be there for you through thick and thin. Stay close by me baby, I really need you now-a-days. It's been tough.
Lots of hugs and kisses,
mama
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