Lately, I've been completely lost. I feel like a complete failure recently. I'm over here going out like nothing. Drinking to hide my emotions when I'm out in public. I don't know how to react to me "new" self. I'm trying to accept that I'm now a changed person. I'm still a mother. All this drinking doesn't help me at all, only for a little while. Don't get me wrong, I'm not alcoholic, I'm just doing it when I'm out having a "good" time at friend's birthdays. I feel like I haven't honored him like I should be. I feel so so bad even writing this. I don't know what's wrong with me. I haven't forgotten him!!! I just haven't honored him as much. We have a memorial in my living room for him. We used to light the candle every night, now we've been "busy" and forget sometimes. We used to always put fresh flowers there, and lately money is just so tight. I barley started going back to work a week ago. I've been feeling so down lately. I just realized everything when I was at my friend's house and I spent the night the night before, and I was going to a second night in the row. I left at about 1am. I just couldnt. I didn't feel right. Why am I running away from my emotions? I also feel like people have been acting like they forgot and that I forgot. They invite me to parties all the time, and go out to all these places etc. I'm feeling so guilty. After that, I felt like I need to make some major changes. Starting today, I'm going to. For me and my angel baby. Mommy did NOT forget and never will. I even need to start being more productive in my life. I've been so lazy and feel so lazy and being a bum at my house. We are re-doing my room, so I'm going to be busy decorating and packing my stuff since they're going to be re-doing the walls, carpet etc. I'm actually excited/sad about it. This was supposed to happen because we were going to make room for baby. Now, my parents still want to do it for me. Anyway, so tomorrow, I'm going to wake up early today, get ready and go to the cemetery and bring him some pretty flowers. Light his candle, and continue to keep up with this blog. I think this would really help me. Sorry for being so random.
Dear Jr,
It's been two months since I've lost you in April. It's been a huge struggle for me to deal that you are gone. I've been all over the place. Please forgive me that I've not been the same. Everything's going to change again. It's time to straighten things up, I hope. I'm doing this for you. I can't wait to see you tomorrow afternoon. I'm going to bring you some beautiful flowers. I hope you like them. Please stay by my side today baby. I really need your guidance. I hope that your great grandpa is watching over you til It's my turn. I know he is. I love you honey so so much. Words can't even explain.
Love, mommy
2 comments:
Marissa, EVERYONE grieves in their own way, but i would be lying to you if i have not been worried about you...sometimes you think by going about your everyday life that you will be yourself again and in a way you have been. You are young and had you not been a mother you would be doing ALL of these things...but now you will do them and them feel like this...dont feel guilty for enjoying yourself. Even those who grieve need to smile here and there it doesnt mean you forgot daniel how could you...he is around your neck. but most of all he is in YOUR heart. Forgetting to light candles and flowers...those do not mean you forgot him...he doesnt need those things, those are things we do for ourselves...now that your room is going to be made over why done you create a shelf there for him a special place for you to look at before bed. You dont have to light a candle or place a flower but maybe place a teddy bear or butterfly from a craft store..or just print out some of the things i have made you and frame them...this way they wont need to be "maintained" and you will always look at him and think of him before you close your eyes...dont run from your pain, i learned in therapy that when you do it comes and gets you even harder....I had a period too soon that I was "better" and now it has hit me like a brick wall and i feel like its week one...learn from me sweetie...im always here for you...and I LOVE the letter at the end its really sweet :) it makes me feel like its me and alyssa's personal time every night
Wow, you really made me look at all those things that I thought was me being a bad "mom"... and that lighting a candle was something for me to do. I honestly felt so much better seeing him today too. Making his spot look so pretty! I'm so glad I have you in my life Ann. Like everyone says, your sooo good with words... it brings a smile to my face. thank you.
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