Feeling lonely lately

Tonight I was supposed to be "having fun" with friends for my co-workers' 21st birthday. I was getting ready, and taking my time. I started noticing that people weren't even texting me to make sure I was going or anything. I just started feeling...left out in a way. I felt as if it wouldn't make a difference if I didn't go or not. I still haven't heard from them, it's been a few hours that passed. All this just makes me really sad inside. I feel like I haven't heard from my "best friends" lately. No one gets me. There just waiting for me to contact them, I'm sure. All I want is someone to reach out to me. Come over, and visit me. Talk to me about what I've been going through. Don't get scared if I cry to you.

Also, me and Daniel (my boyfriend) haven't been spending much time together lately. I work at Target and he signed up for the remodeling team because our Target is putting a produce section in it and moving departments around (it's two stories). His shifts are 10pm-630am, Sundays-Thursdays. Then he goes home, and sleeps for the whole day. Then I work when he's sleeping. When he doesn't work on the weekends, I'm working long shifts. Times like these, I just feel so depressed and lonely. My heart literally hurts right now and I cry my eyes out while I type this. I don't know what to do anymore. I wish people would know how to act!!! UGH! I have so many frustrations, sorry if one thought quickly turns into something else. So since me and Daniel haven't been spending much time together, I feel that our relationship hasn't been the same. We used to always make time together and have our date nights on Friday and go to a movie a dinner (PF Chang's). We are such a chill couple and a dinner and movie is all we need. So I told him that this Friday, it's time to start them again. I'm actually excited for it, we reallllly need this. Hopefully our relationship can get back together soon.

I also found out about two days ago that a guy from my highschool passed away on June 13th from cancer. I knew him since third grade. I actually never talked to him in high school. We never had any classes together. I was looking through his Facebook earlier, and it tears me up even more inside. I haven't really got to know him as a man that he was, but I'm deeply heartbroken inside. I went through old pictures from elementary, and he was such a bright kid. Not very popular either. This whole death thing...makes me look at life so differently. So much has changed. R.I.P. Taylor Biardi.

Dear Daniel Figueroa Jr.,

My dear baby boy. Please help mommy through times like these. I need to know your close to me. I still haven't seen you in my dreams yet, I would love to see your precious face soon. It's been a little over two months. Oh god, I can just breakdown right now and scream. I'm soo so sorry that you have to see me like this. I can't always be strong, it's too soon. I shouldn't have to be writing you letters like this.

Please watch over your daddy too. He still hasn't really opened up entirely to me. I worry about him sometimes. We love you so so much. A love for a child is so deep, I never knew what people were talking about when they said that you never knew you could love someone so much, until you give birth to your child. So true. Even though we never got to stare at eachother, or I never got to hear you cry... I love you unconditionally. I love you more than words can say. Your apart of me. Ugh, I really wonder what you would have looked like...more like mommy or daddy? It seemed that you already have dad's nose. I know it's going to be awhile til I see you face to face, but I can't wait til our time comes.

I don't know if you noticed, but we're re-doing my whole entire room right now. It makes me so happy, because I love to organize and decorate! But then again, it makes me so sad because we had plans to re-do my room for the needs of you. We were going to make that hole in the wall your closet and the color I chose for my walls were supposed to be a perfect match for your crib and jungle theme! Oh how I was soo excited to decorate that for you. Now things are being done a little differently. Don't worry. You're still going to have your spot in my room. I'm going to get a table to put your candle, and other little things on it, allll for you. Oh, and a few pictures on the wall that I got done through other BLM bloggers. You'll see!

I'm glad I got to write to you. I feel a tiny bit better. Sometimes mommy needs to cry and let out my feelings. I love you baby, and there's not a day that goes by where I don't think of you.

With lots and lots of love, Mom.