My F'd up life (vent).

Tonight, I went out on a date with my boyfriend to PF Chang's and to a movie. I have been having soo many thoughts in my head, it's driving me crazy. This is supposed to be Halloween weekend. First off, I think about how before I was pregnant with Jr, I used to go out and party and have the time of my life right now. My co-worker is having a party and everyone is going and me, well I'm just sitting here on the couch. It's just not the same. Especially how this year I was supposed to have a baby. Oh my god, now that I'm really thinking about it, ...I wonder what I was going to dress him up as? sigh. I feel like bursting out crying right now, but if you saw me, you would think I'm normal as can be. Boy does this suck holding it in. I don't think anyone really knows how much I think of my son, and who I am now, and how much my life has really changed. That's all I can think about. It really eats me up inside. Sometimes, I just don't know what to do with myself. I really don't. I sometimes feel I should've got a therapist when I had the chance. So, I can't help to think of how F'd up my life really is. I got pregnant young, parents hated me for it at first, we coped, we were happy, then the next day, I found out something's terribly wrong with my baby. Then I lost him. He was supposed to be here in August. It's October now...he's not here. LITERALLY a piece of me was taken from me. I feel EMPTY. I'm missing my other half. No one gets it. The thing that really really makes me sad...is me and my mom's relationship now. I remember when everything happened in the beginning, she was there for me and I have no clue what I would do without her. She took three weeks off of work to stay with me. What mom would take THAT much time off work? She slept with me every single night, and wouldn't let me do anything alone. Very protective. I remember her always telling me that our relationship has forever changed. I believed it. After almost 7 months on November 2nd, I feel that there hasn't been a major difference because she too doesn't fully get it. She doesn't know how I truly feel. She doesn't check up on me how she used to. It's not like she forgot him, because I know she didn't. I just need someone to give me a hug sometimes, saying they have thought of Jr and me. I still don't feel 100% comfortable to go up to her and tell her things or how I feel, or when I'm having a un-stable day. Sigh, this is just so confusing to even write how life has changed for me in words. There's nothing. Holidays aren't the same. I'm only 20, and I've gone through such a devastating event. I have to live the rest of my life with this. Since no one can ever truly understand me (except my BLM), I feel so completely alone. And this is why my life is so F'd up. That is all for my vent.