Every Mother's Prayer

It's 1:19am and I'm laying here on the couch and I'm experiencing a breakdown for my babyboy. I'm not the best writer, because I tend to write what's on my mind...which doesn't always make sense. So I haven't kept up with this blogging. I try my best when I really need to let out my thoughts and emotions. I was looking at people's blogs not too long ago, and the music and stories and projects people do for other BLM is so... heart filling. I can't even explain it. I just broke down crying, alone. Listening to the lyrics of the songs. I'm just a complete mess right now. I also see all the things they (BLM) have collected for there baby or what they're doing in honor for them, and me? I still haven't done enough. I'm STILL here, trying to get used to my new self. I'm beginning to see how I've matured even more. I used to talk to everyone at family gatherings, and now I catch myself being more quiet, or keep to myself. I even started to notice how people have started to forget. I'm not trying to get people to feel "sorry" for me... but would like someone to have a conversation of my baby boy or something to keep my head up. After all the posts I've written on my Facebook, I feel that I've started only getting responses from my dear BLM's. Not anymore from some family and friends. I had a feeling this was going to happen sooner or later, which I'm sure it's happened to a lot of other BLM's. I'm just barley recognizing this. I do NOT like this at all. During this "breakdown" I've even wrote a few posts about how I feel. Not sure why. Sometimes, when I'm grieving, I can really just express everything that's on my mind, sometimes not even knowing whatI had just said. Anyway, first post... saying how I miss Jr. I only get responses from BLM. Then a few minutes later, saying how I hope my grandpa is taking care of him for me. I'm starting to get "likes" from friends. Do they really even care? Do they not know what to say? I even texted my one of my BFF about all this, since I was already texting her in my "normal" state of mind. I completely changed my tone and mood and started telling her things on my mind. weird. but she even confessed that she doesn't know what to say to me. She doesn't want to open any wounds. I do understand though, I mean... I try to think and out myself in her shoes. I don't think I would know what to "say" to a BLM. Especially since I'm one of the first BLM they know personally. I'm now the "friend who lost her baby". Anyway, that's why I think it's super important to educate people on how to act. Straight up. Like what Mallory (BLM) posted on her FB about 20 things angel mama's wish you would remember. I had to post it to my wall too. People need to know. Ugh, that's why I'm so greatful to have met the BLM I have met now. I know I haven't met a whole lot and stayed involved in the group as much lately. It's just depressing for me at times. Breaks my heart. I don't know what I would have done without you guys. I love each and every one of you and the precious angels. Thanks for reading this, if you got this far. I haven't re-read things, I usually don't so hopefully this makes some kind of sense.