Feeling lonely lately

Tonight I was supposed to be "having fun" with friends for my co-workers' 21st birthday. I was getting ready, and taking my time. I started noticing that people weren't even texting me to make sure I was going or anything. I just started feeling...left out in a way. I felt as if it wouldn't make a difference if I didn't go or not. I still haven't heard from them, it's been a few hours that passed. All this just makes me really sad inside. I feel like I haven't heard from my "best friends" lately. No one gets me. There just waiting for me to contact them, I'm sure. All I want is someone to reach out to me. Come over, and visit me. Talk to me about what I've been going through. Don't get scared if I cry to you.

Also, me and Daniel (my boyfriend) haven't been spending much time together lately. I work at Target and he signed up for the remodeling team because our Target is putting a produce section in it and moving departments around (it's two stories). His shifts are 10pm-630am, Sundays-Thursdays. Then he goes home, and sleeps for the whole day. Then I work when he's sleeping. When he doesn't work on the weekends, I'm working long shifts. Times like these, I just feel so depressed and lonely. My heart literally hurts right now and I cry my eyes out while I type this. I don't know what to do anymore. I wish people would know how to act!!! UGH! I have so many frustrations, sorry if one thought quickly turns into something else. So since me and Daniel haven't been spending much time together, I feel that our relationship hasn't been the same. We used to always make time together and have our date nights on Friday and go to a movie a dinner (PF Chang's). We are such a chill couple and a dinner and movie is all we need. So I told him that this Friday, it's time to start them again. I'm actually excited for it, we reallllly need this. Hopefully our relationship can get back together soon.

I also found out about two days ago that a guy from my highschool passed away on June 13th from cancer. I knew him since third grade. I actually never talked to him in high school. We never had any classes together. I was looking through his Facebook earlier, and it tears me up even more inside. I haven't really got to know him as a man that he was, but I'm deeply heartbroken inside. I went through old pictures from elementary, and he was such a bright kid. Not very popular either. This whole death thing...makes me look at life so differently. So much has changed. R.I.P. Taylor Biardi.

Dear Daniel Figueroa Jr.,

My dear baby boy. Please help mommy through times like these. I need to know your close to me. I still haven't seen you in my dreams yet, I would love to see your precious face soon. It's been a little over two months. Oh god, I can just breakdown right now and scream. I'm soo so sorry that you have to see me like this. I can't always be strong, it's too soon. I shouldn't have to be writing you letters like this.

Please watch over your daddy too. He still hasn't really opened up entirely to me. I worry about him sometimes. We love you so so much. A love for a child is so deep, I never knew what people were talking about when they said that you never knew you could love someone so much, until you give birth to your child. So true. Even though we never got to stare at eachother, or I never got to hear you cry... I love you unconditionally. I love you more than words can say. Your apart of me. Ugh, I really wonder what you would have looked like...more like mommy or daddy? It seemed that you already have dad's nose. I know it's going to be awhile til I see you face to face, but I can't wait til our time comes.

I don't know if you noticed, but we're re-doing my whole entire room right now. It makes me so happy, because I love to organize and decorate! But then again, it makes me so sad because we had plans to re-do my room for the needs of you. We were going to make that hole in the wall your closet and the color I chose for my walls were supposed to be a perfect match for your crib and jungle theme! Oh how I was soo excited to decorate that for you. Now things are being done a little differently. Don't worry. You're still going to have your spot in my room. I'm going to get a table to put your candle, and other little things on it, allll for you. Oh, and a few pictures on the wall that I got done through other BLM bloggers. You'll see!

I'm glad I got to write to you. I feel a tiny bit better. Sometimes mommy needs to cry and let out my feelings. I love you baby, and there's not a day that goes by where I don't think of you.

With lots and lots of love, Mom.

Not a good day

I was actually going to talk about something else that has been on my mind for a long time, but I'm going to save that for another post. Today was actually not my day what so ever. I picked up a shift from a co-worker because I need more hours to pay off some bills. Since Spring semester is over, I could have expanded my weekly hours, but decided not to. I wanted to take it easy this summer.

Anyway, it was only FOUR hours today, so I was like...'okay cool, this will go by wayy quickly, no worries.' Everything was going pretty good, til about 20 minutes in, I noticed a friend from my work who just had her baby in May, came to show off her baby. Everyone was surrounding her and the baby and they were holding him and rocking him. I must admit, I've been extremely strong while I'm at work because there's not a day where I don't see a pregnant woman or a newborn baby. This time was different. She was part of our "pregnant group". What I mean is, there were three other girls who were pregnant with me. One in May, one in June, and one in August like me. I was dreading that I would be here for that. All these emotions starting running through my head and I wished it was going to go away. Right when she left and the crowd was gone, I went to a co-worker (Sandy) who is like another mom to me. I just went in the back of Guest Service and she came and held me. I felt like I couldn't breathe for a sec and this is the second "breakdown" I had at work. I always say "sorry" when I cry... I feel almost...embarassed. Like, I already know they don't know how to ask. Not ONE person knows what to say or act to that, except for BLM's. Sigh. So after that, I went to the back offices and went to cry to one of my many bosses. She's young and VERY outgoing and all she kept saying was 'I'm sorry' for like 20 min. She went and got me water? and tissue from the bathroom. I just felt awkward. I really wanted her to tell me to go home, but she didn't say anything like that. She just said I can take as long as I want to re-collect myself. Then I notice people try to make me laugh too? I dk. I just really can tell they DO NOT know how to act and it sucks. So I left, and went to the lockers and tried to fix myself up. Then one of my good friends Anna came and tried to talk to me. Then I just cried all over again. I love her to death, and I'm not going to be mad about this but the only thing she could say was "aw, don't cry". ! Ugh, I dont know. Then I went to a room by myself and took some deep breaths. I went back to work. I told myself, 'If I felt like crying one more time, I'm going to just walk out'. I made it though. Oh, I forgot to mention. Before I went to work, I was waiting to clock in and I overheard the June mama talking to other co-workers. They all were asking her questions and 'are you excited', 'do you have everything ready?' I was just angry inside. I couldn't believe I had NO baby inside me. I was supposed to be in the conversation and be so happy! Well, it also doesn't end there.

I come home, and go on Facebook to see all these posts from my friend Richard about his sisters' baby being born today. Pictures and everything. It just topped off my night, right? :( I'm just totally down and lost tonight. Hopefully tomorrow is a "better" day.

On a positive note

We will make it through the rain... one day at a time.

Quick Note: Looking for a hobby.

I've been really really looking into buying a new camera. I usually just get the plain "digital cameras" that have done me some good. Every since I've seen here on the blogs of other BLM having projects, I want to participate in some way...just not so sure what yet. Some photogrpahy of something. First things first, I want to buy a new GOOD QUALITY camera. I'm no photographer so I have no idea what to look for etc. I just know I like taking pictures and documenting things, oh! and I want the pictures to look crystal clear. lol, as you can see, no professional here! If anyone knows any information or tips, please let me know, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks!

Every Mother's Prayer

It's 1:19am and I'm laying here on the couch and I'm experiencing a breakdown for my babyboy. I'm not the best writer, because I tend to write what's on my mind...which doesn't always make sense. So I haven't kept up with this blogging. I try my best when I really need to let out my thoughts and emotions. I was looking at people's blogs not too long ago, and the music and stories and projects people do for other BLM is so... heart filling. I can't even explain it. I just broke down crying, alone. Listening to the lyrics of the songs. I'm just a complete mess right now. I also see all the things they (BLM) have collected for there baby or what they're doing in honor for them, and me? I still haven't done enough. I'm STILL here, trying to get used to my new self. I'm beginning to see how I've matured even more. I used to talk to everyone at family gatherings, and now I catch myself being more quiet, or keep to myself. I even started to notice how people have started to forget. I'm not trying to get people to feel "sorry" for me... but would like someone to have a conversation of my baby boy or something to keep my head up. After all the posts I've written on my Facebook, I feel that I've started only getting responses from my dear BLM's. Not anymore from some family and friends. I had a feeling this was going to happen sooner or later, which I'm sure it's happened to a lot of other BLM's. I'm just barley recognizing this. I do NOT like this at all. During this "breakdown" I've even wrote a few posts about how I feel. Not sure why. Sometimes, when I'm grieving, I can really just express everything that's on my mind, sometimes not even knowing whatI had just said. Anyway, first post... saying how I miss Jr. I only get responses from BLM. Then a few minutes later, saying how I hope my grandpa is taking care of him for me. I'm starting to get "likes" from friends. Do they really even care? Do they not know what to say? I even texted my one of my BFF about all this, since I was already texting her in my "normal" state of mind. I completely changed my tone and mood and started telling her things on my mind. weird. but she even confessed that she doesn't know what to say to me. She doesn't want to open any wounds. I do understand though, I mean... I try to think and out myself in her shoes. I don't think I would know what to "say" to a BLM. Especially since I'm one of the first BLM they know personally. I'm now the "friend who lost her baby". Anyway, that's why I think it's super important to educate people on how to act. Straight up. Like what Mallory (BLM) posted on her FB about 20 things angel mama's wish you would remember. I had to post it to my wall too. People need to know. Ugh, that's why I'm so greatful to have met the BLM I have met now. I know I haven't met a whole lot and stayed involved in the group as much lately. It's just depressing for me at times. Breaks my heart. I don't know what I would have done without you guys. I love each and every one of you and the precious angels. Thanks for reading this, if you got this far. I haven't re-read things, I usually don't so hopefully this makes some kind of sense.

Cemetery Visit; 2 months.

I'm so so glad I got to visit my baby today. It made me feel a little relieved and better inside. Especially since I've been feeling like I haven't been there like I should be. I pulled in to the cemetery and I just had this feeling in my heart, like I was excited. I looked around when I got out of my car, and I was the only one visiting there loved one. Not a single person sitting by a grave stone, only construction workers. I felt as if that moment, it was me and my babies time ONLY. There was just such a connection. Oh yeah, and I went alone today, without Daniel. He really thought I needed time alone with him, and he was right. I did. The weather was perfect today. The sun was shining, the sky was blue. I'm so proud of myself. I actually remembered to bring scissors to cut the flower stems. I bought these flowers from Albertson's. I always count on them for my flowers :] lol. Anyway, at the gravesite, I noticed baby Jr. is the only "new" baby around there. All the other babies were from the 90's and 80's. It's so surreal to me still. I hope I can still manage to make a visit to Jr. when time does pass.

So as I was sitting there, I looked around and noticed that Jr.'s "spot" was waaay greener and fuller and the grass was longer than everyone else! It was like on it's own, and standing out than all the rest. This may sound weird, but it seemed like some sort of sign... or at least I like to believe so. I guess the grass is really greener on the "other side" :] I posted some picture up above so you can get an idea what I'm talking about (the one's that are centered). The first one you can see how full and thick and green the grass is. The second one is a picture of the gravestones next to Jr.'s. On the bottom right hand corner you can see Jr.'s spot. I hope you can tell. This was really a good start for me again.

Two months has passed...

So I'm sitting here laying on the couch... crying my eyes out. Purposely listening to sad songs like 'Precious Child' and 'A mother's Prayer'. I keep putting them on repeat. I can't help myself but I've been holding these tears in for awhile now. Today has been two months since I've lost my sweet babyboy. I'm shocked to say the least that it's been two month already. It has been quite a journey, a journey that still continues for me. I remember it like it was yesterday... if only I could go back to hold my baby for a longer time. I feel that five hours was NOT enough. I was even talking to Kalia today, that I regret not taking a million pictures. I wish I had a family picture with Jr. and his dad. I wish I took a picture of his precious feet. I don't get it because I'm usually the "photographer" at family/friend events, taking pictures of everyone and everything. I think it was because I was too occupied and staring at him. I was actually looking at a picture I have of him in the memory box from the hospital. He was soo cute and perfect. Perfect shaped ears, nose like his dad, cute little lips, perfectly shaped hands with fingernails. It's so surreal to me, being that this was my first pregnancy, how me and my boyfriend created a human being. I remember the first ultrasound of him. He was a little gummy bear, jumping around like a jumping bean. How could it go from that, to him being completely gone, with only memories.

Lately, I've been completely lost. I feel like a complete failure recently. I'm over here going out like nothing. Drinking to hide my emotions when I'm out in public. I don't know how to react to me "new" self. I'm trying to accept that I'm now a changed person. I'm still a mother. All this drinking doesn't help me at all, only for a little while. Don't get me wrong, I'm not alcoholic, I'm just doing it when I'm out having a "good" time at friend's birthdays. I feel like I haven't honored him like I should be. I feel so so bad even writing this. I don't know what's wrong with me. I haven't forgotten him!!! I just haven't honored him as much. We have a memorial in my living room for him. We used to light the candle every night, now we've been "busy" and forget sometimes. We used to always put fresh flowers there, and lately money is just so tight. I barley started going back to work a week ago. I've been feeling so down lately. I just realized everything when I was at my friend's house and I spent the night the night before, and I was going to a second night in the row. I left at about 1am. I just couldnt. I didn't feel right. Why am I running away from my emotions? I also feel like people have been acting like they forgot and that I forgot. They invite me to parties all the time, and go out to all these places etc. I'm feeling so guilty. After that, I felt like I need to make some major changes. Starting today, I'm going to. For me and my angel baby. Mommy did NOT forget and never will. I even need to start being more productive in my life. I've been so lazy and feel so lazy and being a bum at my house. We are re-doing my room, so I'm going to be busy decorating and packing my stuff since they're going to be re-doing the walls, carpet etc. I'm actually excited/sad about it. This was supposed to happen because we were going to make room for baby. Now, my parents still want to do it for me. Anyway, so tomorrow, I'm going to wake up early today, get ready and go to the cemetery and bring him some pretty flowers. Light his candle, and continue to keep up with this blog. I think this would really help me. Sorry for being so random.

Dear Jr,

It's been two months since I've lost you in April. It's been a huge struggle for me to deal that you are gone. I've been all over the place. Please forgive me that I've not been the same. Everything's going to change again. It's time to straighten things up, I hope. I'm doing this for you. I can't wait to see you tomorrow afternoon. I'm going to bring you some beautiful flowers. I hope you like them. Please stay by my side today baby. I really need your guidance. I hope that your great grandpa is watching over you til It's my turn. I know he is. I love you honey so so much. Words can't even explain.

Love, mommy