"Happy" Halloween

Since last year, we haven't had very much trick-o-treaters. Same with this year it seems. It's already 7:30pm and we had like two kinda large groups. The first group came and I hear the sweetest little high pitched voice. blah. My heart sank. Totally hit me of what could have been like with Jr. this year. Seriously. I never thought about that. This sucks. This holiday sucks.

My F'd up life (vent).

Tonight, I went out on a date with my boyfriend to PF Chang's and to a movie. I have been having soo many thoughts in my head, it's driving me crazy. This is supposed to be Halloween weekend. First off, I think about how before I was pregnant with Jr, I used to go out and party and have the time of my life right now. My co-worker is having a party and everyone is going and me, well I'm just sitting here on the couch. It's just not the same. Especially how this year I was supposed to have a baby. Oh my god, now that I'm really thinking about it, ...I wonder what I was going to dress him up as? sigh. I feel like bursting out crying right now, but if you saw me, you would think I'm normal as can be. Boy does this suck holding it in. I don't think anyone really knows how much I think of my son, and who I am now, and how much my life has really changed. That's all I can think about. It really eats me up inside. Sometimes, I just don't know what to do with myself. I really don't. I sometimes feel I should've got a therapist when I had the chance. So, I can't help to think of how F'd up my life really is. I got pregnant young, parents hated me for it at first, we coped, we were happy, then the next day, I found out something's terribly wrong with my baby. Then I lost him. He was supposed to be here in August. It's October now...he's not here. LITERALLY a piece of me was taken from me. I feel EMPTY. I'm missing my other half. No one gets it. The thing that really really makes me sad...is me and my mom's relationship now. I remember when everything happened in the beginning, she was there for me and I have no clue what I would do without her. She took three weeks off of work to stay with me. What mom would take THAT much time off work? She slept with me every single night, and wouldn't let me do anything alone. Very protective. I remember her always telling me that our relationship has forever changed. I believed it. After almost 7 months on November 2nd, I feel that there hasn't been a major difference because she too doesn't fully get it. She doesn't know how I truly feel. She doesn't check up on me how she used to. It's not like she forgot him, because I know she didn't. I just need someone to give me a hug sometimes, saying they have thought of Jr and me. I still don't feel 100% comfortable to go up to her and tell her things or how I feel, or when I'm having a un-stable day. Sigh, this is just so confusing to even write how life has changed for me in words. There's nothing. Holidays aren't the same. I'm only 20, and I've gone through such a devastating event. I have to live the rest of my life with this. Since no one can ever truly understand me (except my BLM), I feel so completely alone. And this is why my life is so F'd up. That is all for my vent.

After seeing this trailer being posted several times on FB and blogs, I finally clicked play and can't wait to see it. I'm already just impressed that they used familiar actors in this movie, and not some unknown character's for under budget movies. I hope it's as good as it looks and portrays a good message to show other's the life of Baby Loss Parents. We shall see.

OC Walk to Remember 2010

Like I've mentioned, I've always been looking forward to this walk to do in honor of my son. It's always rewarding to honor your angel in any way you can, and doing this walk made me feel proud that I got to share with supporters, and other's who have gone through the same thing. Being together with 1600 + people, made it so comforting. I will continue to do this walk as a tradition every year to keep Jr.'s spirit alive.

On Saturday morning on October 23rd, my family and Daniel woke up at 5am in the morning! We weren't sure what to expect since this was our first year doing this. Registration started at 7am and we wanted to beat any crowds. The people who joined us in the walk were my mom, step dad, brothers, my three best friends, my mom's best friend and her neice. Some people couldn't make it. I did send a prior email at the beginning of October to remind everyone who I invited to take the day off work, and that I'd really appreciate the support. Sadly, I only got a few responses. I am grateful for the support I did get and will always remember who's always there. Anyway, we got there and surprisingly, we were there pretty early. The weather was not great at all. It was gloomy, cold, and sprinkling. I had to use an umbrella because it's been sprinkling pretty hard. We registered pretty quickly, got our "goody" bag that I didn't use because it was just coupons to eat at the places by the walk lol, and I got my T-Shirt and a sign to pin on my shirt. We had a chance to decorate it, but it was not working out. The paper sign was a weird material and it when it got wet, you can't use any markers. I was bummed out. It's okay though. Something that we also didn't get to do that they did last year was the huge wall signing to our babies. The ceremony started at around 8:15am and it was extremely emotional although I did have a disrespectful mother and her three little ones be loud and rude the whole ceremony. BESIDES the fact, it was a good ceremony. They had a slideshow of pictures we turned in of our babies. Then they read the babies' names one by one, and we went up to receive a white rose.

Then, it was time for the walk. On the way to the starting line, I noticed Tiffany, another BLM friend that also blogs. I got to take some pics with her and meet her kids. I was truly happy to see her. She's the first BLM I have met in person. Then during the beginning I saw her during the walk too.

After walking the 5k, my family and friends all went out to eat at Red Robin. I felt really good afterwards and hoped that my angel was proud of his parents :) Until next year... Here are some more pictures to share.

Blog Makeover!!

Soooooo extremely happy and SUPER impressed with my new blog makeover! My dear fellow BLM has done it again. Thank you so so much Kalia! You are truly creative and you continue to get better and better. I wanted to keep the theme from how it was before, just switch it up a bit, and add some things here and there, and she made it look beautiful. Thank you once again Kalia. You're amazing!

P.S. I got a button!! So that means I gotta be better at writing posts more frequently! ;)

Day 12

Day 12 - something you are OCD about.

I am very "OCD" when it comes to locks. I know, it sounds weird. It all started with my obsession with the channel on my DirectTV called ID, or Investigation Discovery. I always watch those mystery, murder stories or missing person stories. I've always been soo interested into these shows, although it's not what I want to get involved with as far as my major in school goes. After seeing so many shows on burglary, murder, etc., I have this thing where I NEED to go to check the locks before bed or when I'm taking a nap, going to take a shower. My family tends to leave the back door open for my dog to run in and out from the back yard. It's gotten kinda annoying to the point where I will NOT be able to sleep if I don't go and check that the front and back doors are locked. Sometimes I even feel off edge if some big windows are open. Even my car lock, and the fact that I don't have automatic locks. My mom tells me it's a good thing. I guess it can be, but then again, I don't know why I do this to myself! I can't stop watching those shows! help! lol.

Day 11

Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

So, this obviously isn't the most 'happiest' picture, but it was the MOST recent picture of me on my lap top. Like, a few weeks ago my boyfriend took a picture of me at In N Out. This picture of me, just really makes me feel sad. It reminds me of that phase I get sometimes throughout the day when I'm thinking of my little angel, sigh :/

Days 9 & 10

Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.

So, this day was Mother's Day. The first time back since I had to bury him. Basically one month later. As you can see, in the picture, I was SURPRISINGLY doing alright. I felt a sense of peace. Even to this day, I take pictures at the cemetery, recording my visits.

Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

Ten years ago, I was ten years old! lol. I don't have a picture of me on my computer, but I will update this later when I get one.

And the days go on...

Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.

1. music

2. photography

3. shopping

4. massages

5. being in my

boyfriend's arms

6. hot showers

7. food

8. venting

9. naps

10.long drives

11.visiting my baby at the cemetery

12.beaches

13.sunsets

14.helping others

15.family gathe

rings

16.vacations

17.organizing

18.hugs

19.candles

20.cleaning

Day 7 - a photo that makes

you happy.

A picture of me when I was about 18-ish weeks pregnant with Jr. Those were the happiest times of my life. Although I do miss these days, it truly makes me happy that I got to carry my baby boy and what miracle I created.

Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.

The day I had to bury my son, was the most sad/depressing day of my life. April 9, 2010.

October, Pregnany, Miscarriage and Infant loss awareness

I thought this questionnaire would be something nice to do for this special month of Pregnancy and Infant Loss. Answering 30 questions total, once a day for a month.

Since I didn't find out about this til pretty much Day 5 (October 5th), I will fill those in. Then continue on with once a day.

Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
A song that seems to always remind me of my baby is Glory Baby, a song that I have on here on my blog on my playlist at the bottom. I think I found it through another BLM blog, and fell in love with it. It totally described how I feel about everything having to do with Jr.


Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or o

ne that jumps out at you after your loss.
I can't think of a movie that has "helped" me through hard times, but only make me look at life and motherhood differently. I can't think of the top of my head at the moment, but I know that I look at life in different ways, ever since I lost Jr.


Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.
All I can think of right now, is watching Oprah very often. Very inspirational.

Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?
Haven't been much of a reader. Geez, these first couple of questions are really making me seem very boring! I used to always just read pregnancy books and name books for Jr., but nothing anymore.

Day 5 - your favorite quote.