Getting closer...

Well, I'm having a "moment" right now. Well, actually...it's more than just a moment, I'm just really thinking over everything. My "due date" is right around the corner; August 16th. Ever since August came around, things just started really getting shakey. I've been having flashbacks of every little detail I can remember, sleepless nights or just insomnia, or those times when I stop and think "what it would be like right this moment". I was supposed to be 39 weeks! Holy shit. This was my first pregnancy and that's just bizarre to me. So yeah, as the days get closer, I'm starting to get even crazier. My mind is constantly thinking about Jr. and I don't know what to do but to just face it. I feel like no one ever understands me except other BLM. It just sucks because I pretty much keep everything to myself for the most part. I don't talk about my feelings unless people ask. I just feel like, what's the point? They won't get it, or they won't have the right words and that will just piss me off even more. I don't know. This is another milestone for me...approaching my "due date". I was planning on getting a tattoo, but I'm not positive. It would be extra special. I do know that for sure I'm going to donate a boy and girl memory box (to L&D at my hospital where I delivered) to the next family experiencing a loss of a child. I'm already feeling pretty good about that. Also, I'm going to visit him of course. Ugh, this isn't fair! I'm just pissed, depressed, bi-polar etc. I'm messed up in the head. So tonight I've also been in that phase where I feel like I need to make some minor changes in my life, just to try and make me happy. I'm trying to become more organized and I want to focus on myself a bit more. Ugh, I'm so over the place today. I just had to let this out.

4 months ago...

I've lost my beautiful, the most precious thing to me, my son. Even though he isn't here with me. He's my everything, my world, my first born. I think about him 24/7, literally. I haven't got the chance to see him to see him today at the cemetery. So busy today with my brother's birthday and everything. Today I actually started working on my memory boxes that I will be donating to my hospital on my due date (which is coming up) on Augsut 16th. I feel really good about this. I'm making one for a boy and a girl. So far, me and my mom went to Joann's to get fleece material for the blankets I will be putting into the boxes. I still need to look for the box, I'll check Michaels...and then a teddy bear and disposable camera. Hmmm, what else. I can't wait til there finished! Then I will post a picture asap on here. This is all in honor of my baby boy. I love him so much!